Life Support

2013 was interesting, full of tough decisions. Growing up has been so strenuous. I know that its whats needed but I almost wish I didn’t. I’ve found out that life continues on no matter what, even if the world is scheduled to end on 12/21/2012 lol. Its so crazy that life has led me here,

 

to have to experience what my family will today. My grandma was so beautiful, her loving spirit showing through in everything she did.  I sat with her, brushing her silver  curls with my fingers as I told her I loved her. In hindsight I feel blessed to have been there with her those last days. I made sure she was happy, I made sure she felt loved. I made sure she didn’t suffer and I am okay with the fact that I didnt know that would be the last time we spoke. If I would’ve known I would’ve fucked it up and probably asked her to tell God that I was sorry for all the things I’ve done and to take care of my Mema. I know she isn’t afraid but I am. I feel like nobody can watch over her better than me, but can we compete with heaven? She told me she dreamed she went home and in my heart I knew she was ready.

Where To Start.

Life is crazy.

 

So many things have changed. So many things have happened. So many things are still the same. Life has taken me to places I could not begin to explain. I have been searching, hoping, looking, crying, smiling, laughing, stressing: LIVING. But I said I would not write until my writings had changed. Until I had stopped crying and trying so hard to find my place in life. Have I found that? Maybe. Maybe not. But now being almost 22, starting my own business, trying to build a meaningful relationship, trying to find a peaceful place for my mind I see that this cycle is non-stop. Its necessary. Life is going to drag you through the mud before you can come out clean. Being so analytical has helped and hurt me so many times, but I can only let my minor details help me paint a better picture. Help me get it right. Cause I’m still here, so it must be for a reason.

11-04-2009

Hours and hours I cried and cried because I could not believe what I just heard. It was like the phone delivered an arrow straight through my soul, to my heart, leaving me stiff from shock. I couldn’t believe this was really true. I kept thinking about it and every time I did, it would peel the fresh scab revealing my newest wound. The only thing that could comfort me was to be with people I loved, so I picked up your cousin, burned it down in the living room, while I cried to myself over the memories I have of you. Not one bad one to be found, all with your bright smile and dimples inverting your cheeks so beautifully. I couldn’t believe that you were gone, so soon. Too soon. I couldn’t help to anger over the time that we had lost. Just the thought of seeing your mother made me cringe with sorrow I couldn’t explain, except that I knew we were all feeling the same pain.

Of all the memories I held of you, all I could think about was that night many years ago when we finally met. The night you became one of my best friends and truly showed me my worth. I had seen you many times, we had been under the same roof frequently but only to smile at each other politely and go about our day. Never had you shown much interest in me, but you never acted ill toward me either, even though I was years younger and very insecure. It just so happened one night I had ended up with you alone, neither of us pressed to find other company. I had been alone with only a few back then, none of which I gave my love, but your sudden interest in me sparked the thought in my mind. You were so kind and sweet to me I can’t say that if you had asked I wouldn’t have given it to you, but its clear your intentions weren’t to put your bid in. You asked me about my life, who I was, why I was who I was, and who I wanted to be. I sat and talked about it all until near exasperation, but never did your expression read the simplest form of boredom. As I started to get sleepy and laid down next to you, I wondered silently what was on your mind, obviously it wasn’t what the others had on theirs. Every other guy had shown me that they were willing to bend over backwards to obtain a single pleasure only speculated I could give, but one that he would get to keep forever. So If that wasn’t what you wanted I thought, why were you acting so concerned? It was as if you knew exactly what I thought because you turned to me and smiled before answering my unspoken cogitations. You sat up, looked at me and started telling me about yourself. Your favorite things in life, the love you had for your family, the things that you had seen. You told me many things about the girls you had been with, the things that they would do, and the price they would later pay. Without your explanation I could already assume why I would go untouched. How you had taken so many gifts from so many others that I did not want to be just another number. How I should not be just another souvenir to a person not worthy of such a treasure. To hold on to what I had because its value could never be determined fully. That what I had was priceless and I was beautiful, but I just couldn’t see it.

I still couldn’t see it, even after your advice had made me feel I had potential. I could feel that you were genuine in what you said and you later proved me right. I let my gift escape soon after and continued through life unsure, because I didn’t realize what you tried to teach me long ago. As the story unraveled I couldn’t help but to feel more and more significant that night. You had seen in me what I could not see, and I took it for granted up until just  recently. If only these big browns eyes had seen a little clearer then, all the things that God had given me to cherish.

The years that followed only showed me that you were wise beyond your years and our bond grew even stronger. Which made the day I got that call so much more heart breaking. If I could go back and change the past I would do it in a heartbeat, I would make it all better because we needed you. The world is less bright without you. I will never accept what happened to you and nothing would make me happier than to see you smile again.  The love I had for you can never be explained and the only comfort in your absence is the secrets only we will share, always and forever.

My dearest love Denny.

Prostitution is very illegal and frowned upon in most establishments , or so I’m told anyways. The act of selling sex never seemed like something I would have any inclination to do but alas I am here. Not on the corner but in the front seat of your car, as you slide your hand down my thigh  with that smirk in your eye. Yea, you think you’ve won and I  think youve won too. Out here doing all the shit I said I

Gone

Everybody wants to know what the fuck is wrong with me but I really don’t even know. I haven’t been on time for one thing in the past couple weeks, I can’t remember anything past my name, I haven’t eaten like I usually do and I haven’t written or read anything in two and a half months. My thoughts have been so clouded by misery’s distractions that I haven’t really been able to see anything else. Ill spare most of the details (only for now of course) but it was filled with almost every obstacle under the sun.I’ve been fighting so hard for my life to be settled that I haven’t had a life to live. I’ve let the hot weather come and go without as much as even sitting in the sun. I’ve let the actions of others dictate every part of my life so far, and it really is a shame that I can’t seem to not care. Every one around me seems to crumble without my help, and I scramble into action at the thought of being needed. The need to please is so ingrained in me that I constantly give up my happiness for the reassurance of others. I thought nothing differently as the last week started but by Friday my outlook on life completely changed. This would be the first week in almost 6 years I haven’t had a job,  but as unusual as this is for me I feel completely liberated. Waking up and having a blank canvas to do whatever your heart desires with is the scariest shit of my life but it’s what I’ve always wanted. I never thought I’d be a 9-5 time card puncher all my life, nor am I any more insecure than I was when I was ‘guaranteed’  a check every two weeks. I will miss the structure of getting up at the same time, going to the same place every day but I don’t think I’ll miss the chaos of what my life was while I was there. I tried so hard to please people who in the end didn’t give a fuck about me. If this is not one of the best lessons I’ve learned in my almost 21 years, I’m interested to see what from my past becomes relevant again. Cause I finally realize that that’s been my Achilles all along. I always defended myself saying I didn’t want to change from who I was because of other peoples stupidity,  when in fact I was letting them destroy my spirit . I never remembered waking up and hating my life,  neither is it something that I want to have in my future. I am not myself, but myself is all I should be. All I really wanna be but apparently, she’s gone.

Dean

Love me less if that means the stress is minimized. These eyes are not known to cry so please hold your shoulder. Limit your exposure & learn some closure before you become my doormat. This is not an act in fact you should be leaving my presence immediately. You see the greed in me is eagerly screaming out go ahead & use you. & since I’m something you’re not use to to abuse you is ABC. You seek aid in me only to be placed in need after I’m done. I told you to run but your cum did now you’re warped in your feelings. Prior dealings are unappealing as you now search for another me. Sequel to trilogy now after the trinity you exactly at what comes after Sega. Vega with the vanity mega your affections now are. Not even a fallen star could help them see the bar that I left you with.

Prostitution is very illegal and frowned upon in most establishments , or so I’m told anyways. The act of selling sex never seemed like something I would have any inclination to do but alas I am here. Not on the corner but in the front seat of your car, as you slide your hand down my thigh  with that smirk in your eye. Yea, you think you’ve won and I  think youve won too. Out here doing all the shit I said I

Why God Made Lies

It’s hard to hear the things I never wanted to see,
or feel all the things I’ve never wanted you to say.

Like I’m reading all your words with my ear to the page.

Mind open eyes hoping, but I can only be ashamed,
by the troubles and love struggles in the look on your face.

Studdered expressions teach the lessons of destruction at loves expense.
Our truth ruined by words truest to the end of  our current tense.
From present to past I watch it pass with no chance to be clinched.
All the love compiled won’t even provide comfort to this discontent.

My emotions slowly stolen by disppointment in the air,
future desires once raised with fire now only crumble in dispair.
The silence broken by the moments we’ll no longer get to share,
as they whisper one last glimpse of a love once un-impaired.

You see he could’ve made words perfect not allowed to be disguised,
where my option for untruths would not be of only mine.
Be forced to tell you how I’ve failed you with temptation our demise.
Make your emotions not so broken from the things I couldn’t hide.

I guess I thought you could see through all the secrets held inside.
But your face now leaves the traces of a life soon left behind.
Gone of you, a love from whom was once treasured and so prized
Now sat aside, I realize
this must be why
God made lies.